Marriage Boot Camp recap: Dean and Tara are starting to unravel

The duplicitous nature of Tara's relationship is unraveling her on Marriage Boot Camp

I missed a few weeks of blogging WEtv's Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars, but when I saw this week's teasers, I got caught up on my shows real quick. I knew I'd have an opinion that I'd want to share with more than my husband. Thanks for indulging me.

Since Week One, I have been saying that Tara and Dean aren't a couple. Not only are they nowhere near considering marriage, they don't even seem to have an actual relationship beyond a casual friendship. Every week it's more obvious than the week before.

It's also been obvious since Day One, when Tara didn't show up, that she has absolutely no respect for the process of the program she signed up for, or the other couples who are participating in it.

The other four couples honestly seem to be there for the right reasons, although I'm starting to wonder if Memphitz isn't getting some love from the judge if they're actually counting this as therapy in his current criminal case. Doesn't really matter because he does actually seem to be getting something out of it. If it helps his anger issues, I don't care if he gets paid for it.

But Dean and Tara are clearly not doing "Marriage Boot Camp" for their relationship. I don't know WHY they're there, but it sure as hell isn't for the publicity because Tara doesn't want to do anything that could possibly interest a tabloid.

I don't THINK Dean wanted to do this to get his own name out there because he's said, several times, "I didn't want to do this."

If that's the case, why does Tara keep throwing him under the bus? Half the time she doesn't even make sense. You know all those horrible tabloid stories about her? Yeah, I believe them ALL now. Thanks for clearing that up.

There's one clip of her talking to the confessional camera where I swear to God, she's either on something, or having a total psychotic break. I can't believe her "people" let her do this show knowing what a hot-fucking-mess she is!!!

Th e show's producers have clearly had enough, because last week and this week we saw a lot of exchanges that Tara and Dean clearly didn't intend to have filmed. If they're not going to be open in the format of the show, I'd say their only option is to show it all to the viewers, and let us come to our own conclusions about how fake Tara and Dean are. #VeryFake

She is the most ridiculous, paranoid, narcissistic chick I've ever seen on this show. I'm going backwards again – but I can't help myself. Let me back up.

Every week, Tara pitches fits and tries to get out of doing the different exercises and drills that are a part of EVERY season of this show. Dean humors her and helps her avoid anything that makes her uncomfortable.

Last week, she claimed an intense fear of puppets when it was time for the legendary sex puppets. This week, she not only freaked about doing the face-your-demons exercise, she ruined it for everybody else.

"Right now, it� �s not about you," Brittish is right on target when she calls out Tara's behavior. But it doesn't matter, because Tara isn't there. She's someplace else entirely.

It's been all about Tara, all freaking day.

In the morning exercise, when they're supposed to talk about somebody or something that hurt them, she does this dramatic thing about her dog getting hit by a car, and fake cries (badly – no tears), and they let her get away with it.

Why? Because Marriage Boot Camp Directors Jim and Elizabeth Carroll recognize a nutcase when they see one. Nobody wants to be the one to drive Miss Daisy off a cliff.

"Tara was just feeding me BS, but if I push her, she'll shut down," Elizabeth tells Jim, and her co-directors Ilsa and David, in a side-meeting in between exercises. They all agree that at least she's talking, which is more than she's been doing so far.

It seems like Tara only participates with the group when she's attacking some body. Rather than answering anybody's questions, she redirects attention to somebody else, in a really mean way.

She had two total freak-outs this week – first at Dean for handing out invitations to their pool party without her (oh yeah, I'm sure that's a hot ticket bahahaha!), and then at Michelle when they're all talking at the lunch table.

The exchange with Dean is bizarre because she accuses him of selling her out. She rambles. And she doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

"Oh my God, you're insane," Dean yells. Finally, he admits it!

"I was feeling confused and tricked," Tara says.

"I'm just not going to play into it, and not care," Dean says, after leaving the room.

"They're finally not putting on an act for their housemates," Elizabeth says, watching in the control room.

Tara goes on this rant about how she put Dean on this show, and nobody knew who he was before this TV show. What a bitch!!! I felt so s orry for the guy, and I don't even like him.

A few minutes later, totally unprovoked, Tara attacks Michelle and says she wants to "know the truth" about her relationship with Cody. That's rich, because she's the biggest liar on the show.

"She's crazy," Memphitz says.

"I heard you cheated on your husband too," Tara says to Michelle. Ouch! But Michelle stays calm.

"Tara, you are not even making sense," Michelle is getting steamrolled by Tara, and everybody is just watching.

"You can't handle the truth, know the truth. Go look in your mirror…" Tara shouts at her. Is she channeling Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men?" WTF?

"You'll never be in one of my movies," Tara screams.

I've never heard anybody in that house hitting her up for a job. Where did that come from? Now I know why she's so skinny. She needs a LOT of extra room to get through doorways with that ego.

"What are you talking about?� � Michelle is looking at her like she's nuts. Because she is.

"Watch your fucking tone of voice when you speak to us!" Dean screams at Michelle, jumping in to protect the same chick he said was "insane" a few minutes before. I guess he gets to call her crazy, but nobody else can.

Cody just sat there and kind of laughed at him, as he postured.

"Cody would have thrown Dean in the pool from the kitchen," Brittish says. #TrueLife

"Tara's so emotionally damaged," Michelle says. Also true.

"Tara is actually mental, yeah," Lisa says. Well said.

"My name is Tara Reid, that's a fact. You cheated, that's a fact," she tears into Michelle, and it's horrifying to watch. If I picture a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown, this is what I imagine. Except she's such a bitch that I don't feel the slightest bit sorry for her.

Yes, there are other couples on this show. This week's featured a lot about Memphitz becau se his is a compelling story. He's in the middle of his own legal woes, and Toya is freaked because her own brother got 10 years on the same charges. Then both of the day's exercises were about chains and jail and all sorts of other stuff that he's paying lawyers a lot of money to keep him out of – and Marriage Boot Camp is locking him up. Oh, the irony.

The first exercise had them identify who they're bitter at, and then they got handcuffs with chains to symbolize the fact they are imprisoned by their demons. The second exercise took things further, putting them all in a jail cell together.

The directors say they've been living in a jail cell with bitterness from their pasts. Now they have to get out of that emotional prison. To do so, they'll role play with the person who did something terrible to them, and confront them so they can let go of the bitterness by forgiving them.

Memphitz was first. Probably a good call – let's minimize his time beh ind bars that aren't real.

"I'm the guy that killed your dad," Jim tells him.

"You made my momma cry. You made me cry," Memphitz says.

Jim keeps provoking him, til Memphitz decks him. Splat!!! He screams and yells at Jim, while holding him to the ground by his throat. And then he forgives the man who killed his father.

"I'm sorry Jim. I didn't mean to do that, man," Memphitz says. Poor guy! Hope he got a lot out of that!

The whole time everybody else is doing their role play, Tara is bitching and moaning about how she doesn't want to be there. It's totally distracting.

"I think I'm losing my mind. Get me out of here." Uh, Tara, that ship sailed a long time ago and I don't know where you lost your mind, but it's too late to double back and find it.

"Let me go!" Tara yells. Everybody else is looking at her like she's lost it. She has. It's gone.

"Tara, go sit down. You need to cooperate," Jim tells her, and she does. Badly behaved small child, eh? Guessing she had no strong male role models in her life – or some scary ones – the way she reacted.

"Every time she's out of her comfort zone, she wants to leave," Jim says.

"Please don't tell me what to do again," Tara bites off Dean's head when he tells her to play along. He goes out there to role play just to piss her off. But it backfires.

Dean says he doesn't hate anyone, and Jim calls him out for not being 100 percent, and sends him back into the cell.

Tara says she doesn't want to do the role play.

"It's my fault for letting all of this even happen," Tara tells Elizabeth. So Elizabeth tells her to yell at herself.

"Right now, you're looking in the mirror," Elizabeth says.

Tara starts babbling about how she needs to protect people. She making no sense. It's the other half of that mental implosion we saw earlier.

Dean's sitting there wat ching, worrying that people are going to see her acting like a lunatic. And he tells her to wrap it up.

And like that, she stops.

"I was told to wrap it up," Tara walks away. "I just got told what to do again."

"She drinks. She's the worst on alcohol ever," Dean tells the other campers in the cell.

Why bother to protect her if you're just going to throw her under the bus? One thing is clear – they aren't having a romantic or sexual relationship. They're on this show for exposure for one of them… or they owed somebody a favor. But their presence has nothing whatsoever to do with saving a relationship.

"I just want you to leave me alone and stop picking on me," Tara sobs at Elizabeth.

"Bullying has made her distrustful of people," Jim says.

"I forgive you for everything," Tara says, and Jim uncuffs her. She's totally a woman on the verge… ay yay yay. I think they should make these reality stars get a not e from their shrinks to participate.

Jim tells Dean he's going to remain behind bars for a while, and leaves him there for evaluations with Judge Lynn Toler.

She's impressed with everybody's progress (that you didn't hear about because Dean and Tara are such a compelling freak show and I can only write soooo many words).

"But for you Dean, you failed to get anything out of this," Toler says.

"To the extent your antics impede the progress of the group, shame on you!" she tells Tara and Dean. As if they give a fuck. They don't.

And after evaluations, when everybody goes back up to the house, they leave Dean locked in the cage.

"You need to deal with your fears of being alone," Jim tells him. OMG. Best celebrity torture EVER LOL!!!

Elizabeth tells him to examine why he can't be alone. He starts pacing pretty much as soon as they walk way and leave him there.

I'd have loved to see a timeclock on when, exactly, he flipped out.

"Am I really locked in here? Open the fucking door. I can't be locked in a fucking cage!" the episode ends with him screaming, all alone except for approximately 30 people on the production crew. Oh, the horror!

Earlier in the show, Jim said, "Dean and Tara are starting to unravel." I think it's safe to say that now, Jim would say "Dean and Tara have unraveled."

Teasers for next week show Tara screaming about Dean to production. She's so desperate for validation that she's bitching, again, about how nobody knows who her alleged-boyfriend even is. True that! Seriously.

But why does that matter? I didn't know who half of these people were before the show. Says something about my taste in reality shows, not their star power. If he's her boyfriend, why would she care? Oh wait. He's not her boyfriend.

Anyway, who would EVER say something like that about somebody they supposedly love enough to attend a MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP with, right???

Want to know what everybody else was doing when Tara was distracting me? You'll have to go watch it online because ain't nobody got time for Tara Reid's fucked up relationship and four other couples!

Sandy Malone is the star of TLC's reality show "Wedding Island" and a regular blogger for the Huffington Post and Monsters and Critics. Sandy is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a successful Caribbean destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island just off the coas t of Puerto Rico. She also owns Weddings in Culebra, Flowers on Vieques and Boutiques in Vieques. Please follow her on Twitter!

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